Potty Training: Dealing With Regression

I thought Bam Bam was doing so well going into his third month of potty training.  He’s peeing in the potty.  He’s pooping in the potty at least ninety percent of the time.  All seems well and then wham…he’s not going to the potty.  He’s not even mentioning that he has to go to the potty when usually he does.  He will come to me with a wet potty training pants or training pants filled with poop.  I thought that he was making progress…something’s amidst.  Some days I would have to fight with Bam Bam to use the potty.  Some days Bam Bam will hand me his diaper to tell me he wants his diaper again. Bam Bam was so proud to use his potty so what gives? I’ve found out that Bam Bam’s going through POTTY TRAINING REGRESSION!  DA DA DUM!

If your child is going through ‘potty training regression’ what do you do about it?  Do you back off?  I wouldn’t back off, especially if your child is making progress.  This is what I’ve learned about potty training regression that I hope will help you if or when your child regresses on the potty:

  1.  Find out what’s causing the regression:  You have to find out what’s causing it.  Could he/she be teething?  Could he/she going through a developmental stage?  Could the child just want to play and feels he/she doesn’t have time to go to the potty?  You just want to make sure it’s not an illness that’s causing the regression instead of thinking it’s something else.
  2. Stick with the potty training: If you find out it’s a regression of some sort, it’s best to go right through it.  I’m not suggesting ignoring the regression; recognize it, but still focus on potty training.  Bam Bam was going through a mix between his terrible two stage (yes, he hit his early) and his secondary molars coming in.  Although Bam Bam wasn’t in the mood to go potty, I still made him go potty.  Why shut down potty training when the regression may last a couple of days to a couple of weeks?
  3. Congratulated them when they go potty: Yes, you know they know how to go potty.  Your child knows they know how to go potty, but get excited when they do show them that you approve of them going in the potty.  Although your child may be going through ‘something’, they like to still please you and to know that their doing a good job.

Dealing with a child with any regression is frustrating because you want to see your child progressing and you think there’s something wrong when they don’t. It’s important to know that’s its normal for a child to regress, but it doesn’t mean you should stop.  It’s good to show your child that you want them to progress even through they regress.  Bam Bam regression last for about a week and now he’s going to the potty as normal…but more vocal to if he has to go to the potty or not.  He’s been accurate in telling me nine out of ten times if he really has to go or not.  He’s learning his body fast and if I backed off him when he regressed, I don’t know how much I could of delayed his progress.

Potty training regression is the worst but you’ll make it through.  Keep. On. Potty. Training!

Why are we letting society tell us what toys our children should play with?

Parents of today seem to need validation in the way they raise their children.  They look to the media and society for their approval, whether it’s parenting style or whether it’s ok to tell your children no without hurting their feelings.  If they don’t get the validation from society, the media, or heaven forbid their friends and family; these parents see it as an injustice to them and their child. They also think that people are telling them how to raise their child.  This is especially true when it comes to gender stereotyping; whether it’s right to give or not to give a gender specific toy to their child.

A lot of parents think it’s wrong to have a boy toy section or have a girl toy section in the toy store or having boys or girls toys at all.  Every kid has a right to play with any toy that they want.  I agree… but you don’t need society to tell you this.  Why do we need society to give its blessing to whether a child should play with a gender specific toy or not? Just because some parents find gender specific toys offensive doesn’t mean every parent does.  Maybe there are boys who like “boy” toys and girls who like “girl” toys.  Of course, there are exceptions to the rule and a boy wants to play with dolls and girls like to play with trucks.  Ok, just go in the girl section to get the doll for the boy and the boy section to get the truck for the girl. This is common sense to me. Who cares what people think?

These parents think that society should be setting a gender neutral toy campaign to shield their children from getting picked on because they’re playing with a non-gender specific toy hoping other parents will follow suit and allow their children to play with a toy not specific to their child’s gender. Do we need to force parents to persuade their children to play with non-gender specific toys? Why can’t we teach our children to be themselves, not to care about what other people think or say about them, help them realize that not everyone will agree with the choices they make and to realize that’s ok, too?  As long as those people don’t cause physical harm to your child, let them think what they want to think.

To be happy that stores like Target bend to the will of some overly sensitive people doesn’t change the fact that the majority of boys and girls prefer gender specific toys regardless of what the store label the aisle as.  In the hopes of changing the color walls from blue for boys and pink for girls to a brown panel backing isn’t going to make boys wander into a section of dolls and say “Hey, I can play with Barbie’s now since they no pink wall telling me it’s a girl toy.”  Or a girl wanders in a section of trucks and says, “Here’s a toy truck.  Since there’s no blue wall behind it, it must be for girls too.”  I think it will take more than some color wall paper to end gender toy stereotyping my friend.

Children like the toys that they like and getting rid of gender specific labeling or colors in toy stores aren’t going to change that. If a boy wants a truck or an action figure, he’s going to go to that section to get one.  If a girl wants a doll or a kitchen set, she’s going to that section to get one.  In my opinion, gender neutral toy sections in stores are trying to persuade a child and their parents to wander in a toy section that they’re not interested in with the hopes that the child or their parents will pick a non-gender specific toy instead of a gender specific one because now there’s no blue or pink color background or labels that distinguish what is for boys and what is for girls. Shouldn’t the parent tell their child, it’s ok to play with whatever toy they want regardless of what color or select label is shown in the aisles? Why does society need to do that for us?

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with having gender specific toys and I also don’t have a problem with children playing with non gender specific toys either if they choose.  I believe having a difference in boys and girls is a beautiful thing and to try to make everyone the same isn’t showing children to appreciate the difference in everyone whether they play with gender specific toys or not.  Accept it or not, there is such thing as gender and there are certain traits in majority of boys that gravitate them to certain toys (motor vehicle, action figures, and toy guns) and certain traits in majority of girls that gravitate them to certain toys (dolls, stuff animals, and dressing up items) that makes boys and girl toys sections logical.  The toy section labels aren’t there to limit the availability of toys for both genders.  The limitation comes in the mind of the parent because they’re afraid of what people think or think that limitations are set upon their child.

Children should be able to play with any toy they like regardless of what gender aisle you find the toy in. If you want your child to play with a non-gender specific toy, go in that aisle and get it. Society doesn’t need to tell you this.

Roar Like a Lion

The Don: “Mama, you’re like a tiger lion when you’re angry.”

ME:  “Yes, I’m roar more like a lion. I roar because you did something that didn’t please me.”

He knows when I’m serious when I began to roar.

There’s no question when I go out with my kids or if I’m at home who is the boss.  My kids are well behaved for the most part when we’re outside.  I tell them that when we are out “no yelling, kicking, screaming, asking for toys, or running in the stores, touching things,” or this privilege whatever they enjoy will be taken away.  I think parents see this in me as well and try to under mind my parenting.  For example, if I’m out with the kids and The Don is sliding on the slides and I tell him, ‘One more slide and then we’re done,’ there’s always that one parent who try to tell me, “Yeah right, you may say one more time but I bet he’ll slide again.”  My response is, “No, he will stop and we will go.”  Sure enough, when The Don slides down that last time and I say, “Let’s go,” he comes. I had another mother say to me at an indoor play spot after I told The Don that we’re done play now it’s time to go home and get lunch that “That’s what you think. You’ll not going to leave,” as her and her parent friends laughed. “Oh no, we’re leaving,” I said as I walked out the door with my toddler in one had as I’m holding my preschooler in the other.  One of the dad’s said, “Look, I guess she’s leaving,” as I walked out the door. You damn right I’m leaving.

Usually, these parents look surprised that I got my son to listen to me.  He listens because he knows if he doesn’t, I will come and get him and drag him out of the park or wherever we are if I have too.  I’m not ashamed and I’m not scared of what people might be thinking either.  What bothers me is that some parents think that they can override my parenting style because to them they see me as being too stern with my children.  I’m being mean and I’m not letting my kids be kids.  Who says I don’t allow my kids to be kids?  These parents take my stern tone and assume something that’s not there like me being angry at my child. They didn’t hear how I’ve asked my children nicely not to do something for the third time and they decide to do it anyway.  They don’t know my children’s temperament to justify trying to be a referee between me and my child. Just because they let their child get away with undermining their authority doesn’t mean they will try to undermine my authority with my own children.  These people need to bud out seriously before I roar at them.

lioness &MaxW=640&imageVersion=default&AR-308219919

“Didn’t I tell you to get over here!

I can see how my parenting style can frighten some of the parents that I’ve encounter.  I come off as brash, expecting my children to have manners, to share communal toys, to be considerate and not hog the playground equipment, and not be the playground bully.  I also expect my children to listen to me when it comes to safety for themselves and others around them. In other words, I’m the parent in the playground. When I warn my oldest son for the third time not to throw sticks down the slide because little kids can come by and get hit with them and he does it anyway, I roar like a lion, (metaphorically of course), and tell him that we’re leaving because he’s not listening, which I warned him that we would leave if he continued.  He would try to run away or try to continue playing hoping that other people around would hinder my actions.  Nope, he should know by now that I’m coming for him and pull him by his arm and forcing him to come.  He would cry and tantrum all the way to the car and other parents see this as like a wildlife story on Nature show seeing the lioness pulling her cub out of the social gathering because he wouldn’t behave.  It’s scary to see a parent parenting their child because in today society, it’s not normal.  It’s usually the child dictating to the parent.

I don’t see the big deal of putting your foot down and saying no or giving boundaries to your children.  More parents are afraid of parenting their children for the fear of some self righteous parent calling CPS on them or being labeled as a bad parent.  More parents are afraid of hurting their child’s feelings and think that setting boundaries will inhibit their child’s true personality.  Children are not as fragile emotional beings as some people think they are.  Children will try to test you to see how much they can get away with and see if you follow through on what you said you are going to do.  When they become too much to handle, these same parents go searching on the internet trying to find out what’s going on with their child’s behavior like they have some type of psychological issues or something.  Most parents seem to be looking for an easy way out of parenting and if it’s letting their child get their way most of the time so be it; it’s better than dealing with a temper tantrum.

So when you hear me ‘roar’ at my children, don’t be frighten.  Don’t think that I’m irrational, irate, or angry.  Most likely, my children did something inappropriate and I’m trying to teach them what is and is not acceptable in society.  I’m doing something that is no longer the norm and that is…parenting my child.

Every Time My Period Comes, My Heart Gets Broken.

I didn’t want to believe it.  My period came on today after being almost four days late. I swore I was pregnant.  I had the signs of a pregnancy but didn’t want to take the test until my birthday.  I did want it to come, but then I didn’t.  I secretly hope that I could get pregnant or at least wanted to believe that my chances of having another baby haven’t sufficiently dropped since the age of 35.  I am two days away from turning 37 and according to science, my egg quality has dropped after the age of 35 and the chances of getting pregnant in any given month are about 10%.   That’s a little over half of the 25% I would of have in my twenties to early thirties.  Still, I held out hope that maybe, just maybe, my odds were slightly tilted to my favorite.  But it didn’t.  Aunt Flo teased her presents upon my panty liner with spotting the day before until I got up around twelve midnight to go to the bathroom, wipe myself, and found bright red blood on the toilet paper and blood in the toilet water. 
negative-pregnancy-test
I was heart broken.  I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, but my husband and I aren’t preventing it either.  It’s not that we don’t have children.  We have two boys, one is four and one is one in a half.  However, I would like to get a chance to have another baby.  I would like a chance to have a little girl.  Granted, there wasn’t a chance for me to get a girl, even if I got pregnant this time but it would still be a chance.  It would be a chance to know if I was still fertile; a chance to know if it’s possible to be a mother to a little girl.  I can see those chances dwindling as the months goes by.
I should be happy with the two boys I have and shouldn’t care about wanting a girl.  My boys keep me busy and when people see how rambunctious they are, they comment to me, ‘I see you have your hands full.’  I translated it as, “You don’t need another kid.  Your two children are enough.”  They are and they should be enough, but a part of me thinks I’m missing out on not having a little girl.  I see the bond that mothers and daughters have; the intimacy of sharing secrets that only they two can share, talking about girl stuff, having each other as a confidant and friend, talking about boys, etc.  I long for a bond that my mother and I share and still do when we get together and talk. It’s like talking to a best friend, knowing I can tell her anything… wishing I had a daughter to have that same camaraderie with.
I have friends that have daughters.  My comment to them is that it’s great they have a little girl that they can bond with.  I also comment how beautiful they are and I wish I had one.  The usual insensitive response is, ‘I’m glad I got my girl.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s their first try or fifth.  It’s a proud moment for a woman to give birth to a girl… their little mini me.  That may never be the case for me.
human_chart
As I’m turning 37, I’m starting to weigh the options of having another baby.  Wondering if I should take a chance that maybe, just maybe, God would bless me with a baby girl. Every time my period comes on, my heart gets broken. Reality is starting to set in that the older I get, the harder it is to become pregnant.  Even if I could get pregnant, it may not even be a girl so why put my body through higher risk and complication at birth because I selfishly want a little girl of my own?  It’s starting to make me look foolish.
I’m at a point where I don’t want my heart broken again.  Every month I have a period, my heart breaks because it’s telling me that I couldn’t get pregnant this month.  The reality is I am less fertile the older I get and I need to accept that, but I can’t keep thinking there’s still a possibility.  The only way I see to fix my delusional state of mind is to get a permanent fix on my birth control.  It may be time to get my tubes tied and come to the realization that my fertile days are nearly over.  At least when I see Aunt Flo every month, I know it’s not because I can’t get pregnant because I’m nearing infertility, it’s because I decided to stop letting my heart get broken and realize that the dream of having a little girl wasn’t met to be. Maybe it’s time to start living my life free of envy and start loving my life with my boy’s only family and realizing that they are all I need.

Potty Training: Catching Poop

The hardest thing that I realize about potty training isn’t to get Bam Bam to go pee in the potty.  Granted, there are times when he has an accident and he knows that he went pee pee and will tell me or not depending if he’s having fun or if he’s bored.  All in all, he knows that pee pee belongs in the potty.  Poop on the other hand, is a whole different level of potty training.  You see, unlike pee where if you try to hold it for a long time it won’t work because the urge is too strong and you have to let it go somewhere.  But, if you have to poop, you can ignore the urge to go poop before you have to go.  Trying to potty train Bam Bam to poop in the potty is a challenging feat.
                                          
For some reason, toddlers don’t mind that poop is in their diaper.  They would walk around stinky butt all the time if it was up to them because the poop doesn’t bother them.  I don’t know why, but it doesn’t.  It’s hard to sensitize poop to a child if they don’t mind it being on their body.  Well, I shouldn’t say on their bodies.  Most likely, the poop is hanging a little away from their butt hole and if the diaper is big enough, the poop will hang below the butt where they don’t notice it.  But you can see it in their diaper because you’ll see something that looks like a tennis ball behind their butt.
So you ask, “How do I get my toddler to poop in the potty?”  Well, the best way to get them to poop in the potty is to wait until they really have to go poop then make them sit on the potty until they poop.  Let me explain. Since you can’t sensitize them into getting rid of the poop, ‘unless your child poops watery like poops everyday and if they do you need to get them check out by a doctor’, the only thing you can do is wait.  You see, when you ask your child to poop in the potty, they won’t do it because their so use to going in their diaper.  There’s no reason to go in the potty for them and just because you want them to won’t motivate them either.  In turn, they will hold it.  I’m saying not to ask them to go poop in the potty by all means you need to.  But keep in mind they will hold it and wait until that diaper is back on.  Don’t give up.
What will happen is that they will go in their diaper and you have to watch for it and when they do, rush them to the potty and sit them on it.  Your child may be in the middle of their bowel movement and may stop because you rush them to the potty.  That’s ok.  They may already finish their bowel movement quickly to avoid going to the potty.  That’s ok.  In either of these cases, you need to put the poop in the potty, make them sit on the potty for about two to five minutes and tell them that ‘poop goes in the potty’.  This new poop area will take awhile to get use to. 
Once the child knows you know when they’re going to poop, they will most likely 

A.  Hide to go poop in their diaper, or 

B.  Hold it.  

This is where you need to know your child’s poop schedule.  Meaning, if you know that your child usually poops morning and night and this particular day your child didn’t poop all day and went to bed without pooping, you know that poop will come the next morning.  Since you know this and it’s usually hard to hold poop like that especially if your child is regular, they will need to poop badly.  They may poop when they wake up or at least after breakfast, those are the times that you need to put them on the potty and make them sit at least fifteen to twelve minutes (I say this long because most likely you will get resistance) so they can poop.  If they hold it even after breakfast, you just have to watch them and any sign of poop, rush to potty.  Once they poop in the potty, celebrate with them and say, “Yes, poopy in the potty.’
With Bam Bam, our poop word is ‘Doo Doo’.  Once we got over the hump of getting him comfortable sitting and pooping in the potty, when we say, ‘Go Doo Doo,’ he knows what that means.  We give him things to play with and let him be. If we know he needs to poop and he gets up, we make him sit back down until he poops or when twenty minutes is up whichever comes first. If your child is resistant to poop in the potty, try to keep them occupied by having a toy they only use while going poop, or a favorite app, or a book, or anything that can keep them on the potty for twenty minutes.  Once they’re preoccupied, try not to sit or stand near or in front of them.  Pooping is a very private moment, so act like you’re doing something else like cleaning or reading something because if your child knows you’re expecting poop by hovering over them, they wouldn’t poop.
The one mistake I made when training Bam Bam to go poop in the potty is putting him on the big potty with the toddler seat first.  He was so scared that no matter how I reassured him that he wouldn’t fall in, he would scream and cry to get down.  I figure since he can pee standing up with a stool to the big potty that he can poop as well and it would be less clean up…for me, of course.  But Bam Bam is comfortable with the little potty and is pooping in the potty.  He knows when he poops because he’ll spring up from his little potty and says, “Doo Doo”, smiles and claps for himself and then wait for us to clap and cheer with him. 
If you’re persistent and stick with it, eventually your child will get the hang of pooping in the potty.  It’s about repetition, encouragement and knowing your child’s bathroom habits in making pooping in the potty possible.  You will get frustrated and upset and it’s human to have those emotions, but don’t let it stop your child from succeeding in potty training.  All the hard work you and your child put through will pay off in the end when they are diaper free in the daytime. Your child will be so proud of themselves that once they master pooping in the potty that they will be ready for the next phase.

Potty Training Bam Bam- Phase 2-Scheduling Potty Breaks

About a month ago, I’ve started to potty train my now twenty month old son.  So far, Bam Bam been doing good.  For the past month, I’ve been putting him in potty training pants and sensitizing him to feel the pee on his skin really works. If you haven’t read Phase 1 Potty Training: Sensitizing, please read it…it’s very helpful.  
Bam Bam starts to get really uncomfortable with wet potty training pants and started to sense himself peeing on himself to the point where he points to his penis under his pants to signal that he went pee pee. This is the point of sensitizing your child, to feel the uncomfortable feeling of warm, wet pee against their skin.   Successful sensitizing from disposable diapers to potty training pants is important in order to be successful in potty training because if the child don’t sense that they have to go potty, then there’s not reason to use the potty. Poop is a little harder to catch, but I’ll explain how you can help your child to poop in the potty in another post. 
 
Happy to use the potty
What started as 8-10 training pants a day, within a month, Bam Bam is down to 4-6 a day…Not counting any wet diapers from being out and about, nap time, or nighttime.  
Since I know that Bam Bam knows when he goes pee pee on himself and understand what the potty is used for, it’s time for Phase 2-Scheduling Potty Breaks.  By this time, I know how long he can hold his pee (about an hour to an hour and a half depending on how much he has to drink).  I’ve scheduled a routine for Bam Bam to go potty.  It goes something like this:
  • As soon as he wakes up in the morning,
  • After breakfast
  • When we leave the house
  • When we come back to the house
  • After lunch
  • Before Nap
  • After Nap
  • Before Dinner
  • After Dinner
  • Before Bed
So about ten times a day, I take him to the potty whether he goes or not.  This helps him get into a routine of the important times to go to the bathroom.  Of course, if I know he has to go in between those points, I’ll take him to the potty.  Remember this is potty training so once they get older you won’t have to remind them to go at certain time because they’ll be able tell you and to hold their potty needs until they can get to the bathroom.  I’ve even taken him to the bathroom when I go to Target or any place that have a bathroom the minute I get there to help train him to go to the potty at public places.
You should see the diaper pale less often and that’s a great feeling especially money wise. Also, your child should start understanding what the potty is used for and to express that they went potty or about to go potty by pointing to their privates or saying “pee pee’ if they went on themselves. Expect that there are still going to be accidents.  Just like learning to crawl, walk, or remembering the alphabet, it’s going to take practice and repetition in order for them to get it right. Be happy when they go to the potty and when they don’t, just stress the importance of going to the potty next time.
Hopefully in the next month or two, Bam Bam will be ready for Phase 3.

The Real Boogie Man: The Family Child Predator

I remember when I was about eleven years old when I saw my mother’s estranged stepfather for the first time.  He was very nice and friendly and gave my sister and myself very affectionate hugs.  Then my mother’s stepfather went to hug my mother.  When he hugged my mother, my mother stood still with her arms folded with a fake smile and a deer in the headlights look on her face. She stood frozen like a manikin, unable to move. I didn’t understand then why she behaved that way and I thought it was odd that my mother didn’t hug her stepfather. 
The next couple of weeks after my mother saw her stepfather again, she started having night terrors.  As told by my father, in my mother’s sleep she would kick, swing her arms as if she was fighting someone, and jumping out of bed trying to run away.  Night terrors or “Sleep terrors” happens usually when some traumatic event happen in the waken life and they relive it in their sleep.  When my mother would awaken, she couldn’t remember her violent episode.
One day, my father called my sister and me downstairs because they wanted to talk to us.  I remember my father said that my mother has something to tell us.   “Go ahead. Tell them what you’ve told me,” I remember my father said to my mother.  It was apparent that my mother was crying and she blurred out, “I was molested.” 
“By whom,” my father asked. 
“By my stepfather,” my mother said as she started crying and whimpering. 
I started to tear up and I put my head down and felt hurt because my mother was hurting.  Although I was hurting, I didn’t quite understand what molestation was. “Was my mother raped as a child,” I thought to myself.  My father asked my mother what her stepfather done to her.  My mother explained that she was touched, fondled, and rubbed against and touched his penis but it never went inside her.  That day when she told us, my mother at the age of thirty three years old at the time, told her mother what happen to her years ago.  When my mother told her mother, her mother kicked her estranged husband out of her house.  Whether my grandmother let him back her house or not I don’t know but I know that my mother or my sister and I did not visit our grandmother’s house after that revelation for a very long time. 
My mother was molested at the age of three or four years old and it didn’t stop until at the age of twelve when she stood up for herself and told her abuser NO when he tried to touch her breast.  In my mother’s situation, her step father was physically abusive to her mother.  My mother’s stepfather and her mother were alcoholics.  My mother felt that she couldn’t go to her mother and tell her what was going on. Maybe my mother felt that her mother wouldn’t believe her.  Maybe she felt her stepfather would hurt her mother if she told. What ever the reason was, it must have been hurtful to feel that you can’t tell anyone that someone is hurting you.
Society tends to see child predators as some stranger that targets children where the fact is the majority of child predators are people that are very close in the child’s lives.
According to the child advocacy group Darkness to Light:
·Experts estimate that 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse.
·Youth are 2.5 times more likely to be raped than adults.
·About 35% of victims are 11 years old or younger.
·30% of children are abused by family members.
http://www.colorlines.com
We tend to give family members the benefit of the doubt and say to ourselves that,
“What they did was a mistake. Or He or she was young and didn’t mean it. Or the child must have led them on.”
And the child now an adult should just “Get over it.”  I bet if it was a stranger that molested their child and not family, they would want to kill them.  Why see this particular predator as the victim?  Why not out the person for being the filthy, disgusting, human being that they are?  What are the parents afraid of? Is it that the parents don’t want to feel guilty by being blind to the fact that they allowed their child to be molested by a family member and they did not see it? The affects of child sexual abuse stays with a person for the rest of their lives and the fact that their family members tell the person who was abused to “Get over it” is to help take the responsibility to protect their child away from them and to keep the burden on the true victim which is the abused child.
Oogie Boogie Man aka Child Predator
This reaction to the allegation of being sexually abused as a child is The Boogie Man in a lot of families because most of the time, the child doesn’t have the family support to back them up if one of the family members are doing something inappropriate to them.  The Boogie Man isn’t real and the parents tend to think that the child is making it up. The parent’s reactions are,
“You’re imagining that Uncle Bobby kissed your lips.  You’re sure it wasn’t your cheek?”
“You’re sure Grandpa didn’t try to zip you up to help you in the bathroom and accidentally touched your penis?”
“Jimmy wasn’t touching you vagina, he was just trying to wipe the ice cream off your pants while you were sitting on his lap right?” 
This so call “second guessing” the child doesn’t make him/her think you have their back when it comes to their comfort so they will keep quiet to avoid an argument and handle it the best way they know how even if it means enduring the abuse of their boogie man for years.
Parents need to let their children know that they can come to them no matter what without judgment.  If your child accuses someone of sexual abuse, don’t dismiss it, check it out.  There are three reasons why a child wouldn’t come forward if they are abuse: 1.) they think you wouldn’t believe them or 2.) they feel guilty and ashamed about what happen and 3.) telling you will hurt you and they don’t want to see you hurt.  Parents have to be clear and let their children know that no one comes above their child’s welfare and safety and you wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt them no matter who they are.
We as parents also need to take notice of our children body language around family members. Are they comfortable?  Do they try to move away?  If the child doesn’t want to be alone with the person, or sit on their laps, or even want to hug them; ask yourself why.  Don’t think that just because they are your father, mother, sister, brother, cousin that your children should show affection to them the way you would.  Just because your family member didn’t sexual abuse you, it doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t sexually abuse your child.
Although my mother’s boogie man died about a year ago, the pain of the abuse still lingers on inside her and she still have nightmares of him to this very day. Mostly likely, my mother’s abuser didn’t just abuse her; he probably abused other, too.  Just think about that.  If your family member sexual abused your child, they are sexually abusing others and if you don’t out them as the boogie men they are, you’re contributing to the abuse of other children as well. 
We need to stop hiding family child sexual abuse and bury it hoping the secret will die.  Child sexual abuse should never be buried; it should be dug up and exposing the people who hurt our children as the sick monsters they are.  If you out the predator in your family and your family hate you for it, so be it.  I rather be on an island alone with my child where it is safe than be around family who condones child predator behavior and my child feels uncomfortable and have nightmares of their boogie man for the rest of their lives.

Help end child sexual abuse by outing out this predator in your family and treat them as if they were a stranger who did this to your child. You are your child’s best advocate; protect them at every cost even if it means you never see your family ever again.