If There’s No Guarantee

It may sound selfish to say this but if I’m going to have another baby at this moment, the baby would have to be guaranteed a girl before I would even consider getting pregnant.  Yes, I thought to myself how selfish I am to rather be pregnant with a girl than a health baby…but am I?  I’m at a point where I’m satisfied with having my two boys and not thinking about having another baby at all.  I’m even contemplating having my tubes tied in the next year because in my mind I’m done.  The thought or I should say the gamble of trying again and the baby being a girl is fifty-fifty but in my husbands family, him being one of three boys and he’s father from a previous marriage had two boys, the chances of me having a girl is very slim. 

Why even risk it?  Why go through a pregnancy and labor all over again knowing my odds of having a third son is greater than a bag of money dropping out of an armor truck and landing by my door step.  Just for a chance that I might have a baby girl?  Is it worth it?  I’m not even sure that I want a baby girl.  It would be nice but is it right?  In my opinion, I don’t see a baby girl in our family.  How would she fit in?

Don’t get me wrong, if I were to have a baby right now and if the baby was a boy, I would love him just the same.  I’m sure that I would fall in love with him just as I did with my other sons.  I’m at a point where I’m comfortable with having two but longing for what could be if I tired again.  The “what ifs”  bothers me from time to time and I’m guilty of envying other parents who have daughters and wonder why I haven’t been choose to have a daughter.  Maybe in the universe plan, it wasn’t meant to be. 

I want my reason to have another baby is not to have a girl, but to have another baby boy or girl.  I think to myself that if I had a girl the second time around, would I even think of having another baby or would I stop.  I think it would be the latter.  I think I need to do some soul searching and take my time before I tie my tubes prematurely and regret not having another baby in our family no matter what sex the baby is.  To gamble or not to gamble or should I say to clip or not to clip?  The best thing that could have is to have another health baby to love in our family. The worst thing that could happen is I could regret it.  But you can’t miss what you never had right? Right?


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