In light of my confrontation with my father over the sleep over a couple of weeks ago, I really started to do some soul searching. I’m at a point were I don’t care if my parents see their grandchildren or not. I’m ready to limit contact in regards to them seeing my children and never leaving them alone with them. I’m refusing to come by with the kids and they would have to come up to see the children at our house. Knowing my parents, it’s too much effort and they probably wouldn’t see them that much.
I’m really tired of being the dutiful daughter that gets walked on and when I stand up for myself and my children, my father was willing to get rid of both his grandchildren and me because he didn’t want Bambino to stay. When I stood up to my father, it felt like I’m alone because my mother doesn’t defend me. When my mother called me last Thursday (probably to see if I’m still upset and hate their guts), I didn’t even bring up the sleep over again. I was nonchalant in behavior and didn’t let it phase me. In the past, my mother would stand by my father and would make it seem like I was in the wrong so that’s why I didn’t bring it up. I’m tired of that. It’ like if you’re being bullied and you stand up to the bully but his or her entourage is agreeing with the bully. Although you won this round with the bully, their entourage will make you feel bad because you confronted the bully.
Growing up, I don’t feel like I was guided into the person I could have become. It felt more like I was bullied into doing things and being someone that I wasn’t just to please my father. There was no exchange of affection except an obligation kiss when leaving the house. No spontaneous hugs, no saying I love you; an emotionless household. My little sister and I were never encouraged to be who we wanted to be. Whatever we were interested in pursuing seem like it had to be approved by our father. We weren’t allowed to disagree with him. Even a healthy debate would turn into an “I’m right, you’re wrong” argument. My father would yell, degraded, say verb insults, invade your space, make light of your feeling to the point were you think your feelings are wrong. Then you start to think like he would think just to be safe and not to enrage him. I remember growing up my father would raise his voice to my mother and my mother would sit there like a child while my father tears into her verbally. It angers me till this day. My mother, sister and I were extensions of him. Similar to a tree, my father was the bark and the rest of the family was branches. No matter how far we reach to get away, we are always attached to the bark.
My father can be described as a narcissist and my mother his co-dependent or what I call her sometimes is “dad’s shadow.” I don’t remember anytime that my mother would stand up for my sister and me. I see my mother as ‘weak’ to let this man bully her and her children around. Both of my parents had their share of abuse growing up and although they weren’t physically abusive to my sister and me, emotionally and mental abuse is still abuse. Although I allowed The Don maybe five visits and three or four overnight visits in the past, I wonder why I let them near him. Did I think they would change because they are grandparents? Maybe they disguised there true behavior in front of me (because I warned my father that if he talked to The Don they way he talked to me that he wouldn’t see him) so they can have him and do what they wanted when they are alone with him? After the way my father talked to Bambino in front of my face, my father hasn’t changed one bit. Why am I surprised?
I vowed to myself that I would never become my father or my mother. What kind of mother would I be if I allowed my parents to continuing have access to my children alone knowing what they are capable of? I don’t own my parents access to my children just because they are my parents. The key is that they are my parents, not my children’s parents. I owe it to my children to have a safe environment to be raised in. I own owe it to my children to protect them at all cost, including from my family. I vowed to show my children unconditional love, affection, and attention. Don’t feel because its family that you have to expose your children to people that can harm them physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some people might say that it’s important for children to have a relationship with their grandchildren. I say, ‘yes it is but not at the children’s expense.’
If you have an abusive parent that wants to see you’re children alone, don’t do it. He/She will not change because their grandparents. If they do change, it’s not because of you or your children, it’s because they see they have a problem and are willing to change. Yes, your parent will get angry with you. He/she will think you’re being spiteful against them. I say that they are angry because they can’t control you anymore. Take control of your life and protect your children from the people that cause you harm because you owe it to your them. You owe it to them.