Now What?

Ever have one of those days where you can’t wait to put the kids to bed so you can have time to yourself?  So do I.  Sometimes it’s some days more than others. But tonight, I didn’t have that urgency for the kids to go to bed. 

My husband puts my toddler to bed. I put my infant son down for the night. My infant son really doesn’t say down for long and would usually wake up in an hour or two before he officially goes down for the night.  I’m hoping that he would go down for longer than two hours so I can get to do the things I couldn’t do during the day. But a part of me wants him to wake up. I should be glad if he stays down longer than two hours that means his own his way to sleeping maybe four or five hours stretches at night and that’s good for him and me…right? 

Sometimes, when my sons go down for the night, I start to get this “Now what” feeling.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  It’s like I know I’m tired and no matter if it’s a good day or bad day, I don’t want my job as a mother to end.  You might be think, “What are you talking about, you’re still a mother even if your children’s asleep.  Get a grip lady.” Yes of course I know that.  What I’m trying to say is that when my children’s asleep, the mother in me is off duty for a while but now what? Why does it seem so hard to have me time even when my children are asleep?  I should be enjoying this free time.   But secretly, I want my infant son to wake up one more time to nurse and I can rock him to sleep.  I want my toddler to say “read again” so I can read him another story.  Is it possible that I enjoy being a mother that much that I would give up any free time or sleep to be with them? 

I think that in my case that after the day is done, then my job is done. At this point in my life, motherhood defines who I am and that scares me.  I told myself that I wouldn’t let being a mother be the only definition in my life.  I will be more than just a mother to my children.  But I guess that what’s a stay at home mother supposes to be and it’s sometimes lonely.  I feel like what did I accomplished today beside being a mother?  So when my day ends with the kids, what else is there?  The sacrifice I made by staying at home with the kids benefits the kids but somehow I’m slowly losing myself.  I will always put my kids first but what about me?  Do I have to wait until my youngest go to school to think about me?  I should have to. So….Now what?

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