My father in me

It’s been a long week. My infant son hasn’t been sleeping well. He’s been getting up every hour and a half to two hours. Sometimes he would wake up and want to spend the next two to three hours chatting. The funny thing is he’s tired but he doesn’t stay sleep for long. Then I found out that he has the four month sleep regression.  I didn’t realize that he was going through a sleep regression until I lost my temper with him last night.

My infant son was put down around nine o’clock.  He slept for two hours and woke up about eleven-fifteen.  I thought it was normal because sometimes he’ll wake up for a last feed before he sleeps for four hours.  But this feed was different.  He fed and would nod off.  As I put him down he would awaken thirty minutes later.  By this time it was twelve midnight. I was nodding off myself when he awoke.  I turn on my computer to watch an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine on Hulu while I fed him.  I put him down again around one o’clock and then I feel asleep.

Around two o’clock he wakes up again.  I raised my voice sternly “Go to sleep!” which that didn’t help the situation.  My son screamed even louder.  I said to him, “What’s wrong with you?” Why won’t you sleep?” My temper started to rise.  I changed him and rocked him.  He wouldn’t sleep.  I tried the mobile on the bed.  That didn’t work.  I tried the pacifier.  That didn’t work.  So I fed him again.  He nursed then he fell asleep.  So did I.  He woke up again around four o’clock.  I had gone to the bathroom that time and was trying not to wake him but I heard him stirring as I went to the bathroom.  I acted like I didn’t hear him and laid on the couch praying that he would fall back to sleep.  No such luck.  I nursed him but he wasn’t falling to sleep.  He was putting his hands near his mouth like he was teething.  I rubbed a little infant Advil on his gum. I put the activity mat in his crib to play with.  He starts to cry because he peed.  I change him and put him back in his crib.  He starts crying again.  I turned the night light off and the rocked him to sleep in the rocking chair.  He would fall asleep but would wake up an hour later.  I guess he wasn’t teething that cause him to stay awake because the medicine would be working by now. He’s awakening continued every hour until eight o’clock in the morning when I finally put him down to sleep. 

I was hoping that my oldest son would stay asleep until at least nine o’clock so I can get some sleep.  I heard my oldest son about eight-thirty in the morning through the baby monitor. He was screaming “Mommy, Daddy you wake! Open the door!”  As tired and frustrated I was, I was trying not to let his screams get to me.  I tired to ignore them but the screams got louder and louder.  I felt my temper boiling and I was saying to myself, “Don’t go in there.  Don’t go in there.”  I waited for about five minutes to see if my oldest son would calm down.  He did not.  He was screaming some more and I had enough.  I swung the covers off me and jump off the couch.  My covers must have hit something because whatever fell hit the floor startled my infant son and as I was leaving my infant son’s room, he started to wake.  I marched to my oldest son room, unlocked the door, and angrily opened the door. I yelled a yell that I would thought I would never do.  I told my son to “Shout the hell up!” I felt my fathers temper inside me.  The temper that I thought I tamed and outgrown in my early adult years.   I saw the fear in my oldest son’s face as he covered his ears as he was still lying in his bed.  I told him to not to scream and to wait until I get to him.  I then closed the door and locked it and went to the bathroom all the while my infant son is screaming at the top of his lungs.

Although my son stops screaming, I did not like the look of fear that I brought to him.  I felt like my father.  My father would yell at us to get us to compile to his will.  I do not want to become my father but there he was at the door of my oldest son’s room, yelling at him in my body.  I know there had to been a better way to handle it.  I didn’t know what.  I let my tiredness and frustration over my infant son transfer to my oldest and that’s not right. I probably would have still yelled at him regardless of whether I had a decent night sleep or not.  But I have to learn to control my temper with both my children.  Because that’s what they are children and a lot of things that they do, and at their ages, they don’t know any better.  I don’t want them to think that screaming or yell is the proper way to get through to someone.  All I can do is take notes, practice, and correct my mistakes and take control of my father who is inside me.


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